walking on wet leaves lately feels like walking on thousands of small dead frogs.

It's autumn. I felt sick earlier and went to the loo and just sat in the cubicle with my forehead between my knees and my pants around my ankles. I felt ill and thought I might die, I thought this would be a pretty ridiculous way to do die, it would be stupid and meaningless to die with my lower body exposed so obscenely. Then the ill feeling subsided and I noticed my fringe is too long and thought about feeling fat and got up and let myself out of the cubicle and washed my hands. Walking back to my desk I thought that death never shuts up in my head. I watched Gunter Van Hagan or whatever his name is - Dr Death would be more appropriate than any conceivable name of this earthly world - he has a show with the inspired title "Autopsy". It takes on an investigative and educational tone, but is blatantly there to satisfy our collective morbid fascinations. And whats so wrong with that? If anyone found an eviscerated body slumped over the hood of a crumpled car on a highway they would stare, trying to glean from that lifeless gore something of the abyss beyond. Theres a brilliant mexican photographer, Enrique Metinedes , who took photographs of accident scenes, often before emergency services had arrived. Nothing could be more mesmerizing than the concept of death offered up on a weekday afternoon. But back to Dr Death. I do love anatomy, although I could not name the muscles and bones and could not explain the functions of them. He had a body of an old man with his face covered for anonymity. This body had not been through the usual plastination process, because it was wet looking. His skin was marbled grey and blue and his old mouth gaped open. They put an endoscope down his throat and displayed images of the dead tissue on large flat screens behind him. They then filled his leg with fake blood and cut a big vain with a knife so that the gloopy, plasticy red stuff flowed and then spurted in a clean arc. This was to demonstrate where to stab someone if you intend to kill them or something. Apparently it would kill you in three minutes. We are very close to death indeed walking around with veins in our legs that could destroy us within three minutes. They also cut a body clean in half from crotch to head in order to demonstrate how small our wind pipes are and how close to death we are when eating or putting "foreign objects" in our mouths. They showed pictures of swollen lips still smeared with lipstick, faces punched up so bad they couldn't breath. Anyway, I'm too tired to think but I'm pretty happy today. I've been listening to thee more shallows. I like them. I like blood meridian.